My sweet boy...

You know, I turned 30 almost two years ago. It came and it went, and I

never felt any anxiety about it. I never felt a loss of my youth. I never even felt any different. Recently, though, my Josh turned 5, and this milestone has hit me like a load of bricks. I remember when he was born and other, more experienced mothers would say, "cherish this time because they grow up so quickly. You'll blink your eyes and they'll be grown." I listened to these mothers and tried to absorb what they were saying, but as with anything that involves raising children, you can never really "get" what the other moms are saying until you experience it for yourself. Now, I know that Josh is not grown, and that I still have many more childhood joys to experience with him, but...my baby is not a baby anymore. That is what hit me on his 5th birthday. That is what hit me as I registered him for public school. It's this truth that has kept me awake some nights, silently yearning for the baby he used to be, yet so proud of the boy he has become. Tonight, Josh has preschool graduation, and here I am again, feeling as if I am dealing with a great loss in my life. For while this is an exciting time for my child, so full of hope and possibility, it is also most definitely a loss for me, his mother. It's a very difficult thing to know that those unabashed cuddles, hugs and kisses will all too soon be a thing of the past. Because if 5 years went by this quickly, like lightning really, then in the blink of an eye, he will be 10, then 15, then 20, then grown. And I will do my best to cherish each moment, to take it in, to live in the moment, to delight in each milestone - big and little, and to always love the boy that he is. But today, I just wish I could have one more moment with the baby that he was.